chew & savor, but most importantly...swallow

I'm all about savoring the moment.
Sometimes this feeling, however, can be greatly inhibiting. Last night as i lay in bed watching the lights on my christmas tree dance back and forth, i realized that it would be the last christmas eve i would spend as a "child". Next year will be my first Christmas as a married woman.

A huge part of me was excited at the thought of sharing such a hallowed holiday with the love of my life, but at the same time the idea that this Christmas was the end of something, caused an immediate rush of pressure to enjoy.

I lay there almost in a panic, thinking of how important it was that e-v-e-r-y m-o-m-e-n-t of this Christmas eve and Christmas MUST be enjoyed to it's FULLEST extent...but...how?

I tried at first to think of every Christmas from my childhood and play it back in my head like a movie montage or series finale but all i could think about was whether or not the lights on my Christmas tree were bothering my sister who was sleeping beside me. then i moved to forcing profound thoughts into my head while attempting to form this great life lesson that could mark my passage into adulthood but then i started wondering if my Christmas tree lights were bothering my sister who was sleeping beside me.

this was a beautiful Christmas. although the gifts weren't as exciting this year and i even have to take a few back i realized something in trying so hard to make it the "perfect" Christmas...
i learned that when i try so hard to savor the moment i often ruin the moment entirely. it's like chewing on a piece of meat for too long-it tastes good at first but eventually it gets soggy and limp and altogether gross (graphic, i know but it works).

that's what i started doing with Christmas. i was forcing the enjoyment and fun and importance of this particular one in my head so much that i got stressed out over it being the perfect memory. i didn't even know what i needed to make it perfect, just something magical like birds singing carols outside my window or every gift being made of gold...i don't know...i just wanted to enjoy it so badly that i chewed it over and over and over again squeezing every last flavor of the season out until it was limp and altogether gross. but that's no way to enjoy the holiday. i'm incredibly blessed and even though this Christmas didn't contain a chorus of heavenly hosts belting the benediction to my childhood, it was a beautiful time of enjoying family and friends.

so this Christmas i learned to let go, to savor then swallow and as i do, let the sweet aftertaste of my blessed childhood remain in my mind for years to come.